A new normal?

About sixteen months ago I began a process focused on improving my stress management skills. This came about as a deliberate attempt to address one of the five risk factors in heart disease: genetics, gender, exercise, diet, and stress. I can't do anything about the first two; I've addressed the second two pretty consistently for many years; but I had (and have) lots to learn about managing stress.

So at the suggestion of a counselor friend, I sought out a professional who could coach me in this area. I've been learning about how to listen to my body as well as to my mind, and to let my body have a voice in my choices. For decades I pushed my body forward because my mind was telling me to carry out just one more responsibility. I rarely let myself fully relax and go off duty. The stress of constantly being "on" probably contributed to the build-up of blockages in my cardiovascular system, and eventually to the quadruple bypass surgery I experienced in March, 2007.

As a result of the coaching I've been receiving, however, I can sense a new normal emerging. The external stresses in my life have not gone away; in some ways they've intensified, and in others they've changed. But what I'm noticing now is that I'm taking the stresses more in stride, not fretting about them as much. I'm learning to breath deeply, to refresh my spirit in the Lord, and to recall that God is in control and can be trusted with this latest stress too. I'm giving myself permission not to try to pack so much into a day or a moment. I'm remembering more often to stay focused on the person or situation I'm in at the time, rather than running ahead in my mind. I'm reserving time to exercise properly, even if it means I get to the office later than before. And I'm doing fun things more often, rather than just doing another chore at home. I even took a towed parachute ride at a beach in Thailand this summer!

So I'm feeling more calm these days. No, not Mr. Placid yet. Maybe never. But certainly much less intense and more laid back. I feel it inside. And people who know me well are telling me they see a difference.

A place of refuge

The other night our church's worship team was rehearsing for an upcoming Sunday. One of our songs was "Your Name." It contains the line, "Your name is a strong and might tower...." As we concluded our rehearsal, I asked if everyone understood the image in that line. Several expressed curiosity, so I explained.

On one of our trips to Israel several years ago, my wife and I learned that people built walled cities and went out during the day to tend their fields. They returned to their cities for safety at night. At times of war, the city walls also protected them during a siege. If an enemy broke through the walls, the people fled to a strong tower inside the city that they had built as a refuge of last resort. It was powerfully built and stocked with food, water and other emergency supplies.

When we sing, "Your name is a strong and mighty tower," we're saying that God is our protector and savior when all else fails. We can always count on Him.

I hope this word picture will help us sing this song with new and fresh meaning.

An unexpected encounter

Yesterday morning, at the Smart Marriages conference in San Francisco, I stopped in the hotel hallway to read a poster inviting participants to screen a new movie. Another conference attendee came up beside me and leaned around to see my name tag. "Himes," he said. "Hmmm," he paused. "Did you write a dissertation?" "Yes," I replied. "That was 18 years ago!" "It was about Crabb's book on marriage, right?" "Yes." "You wrote the study guide, too. You're the only other person I know who actually demonstrated the effectiveness of his material. I supervise graduate students at my school (a small university in Canada). I have only one methodological improvement I would have made: have someone besides yourself run the group. But other than that...."

"I'm blown away," I said. "You're the only person I've met who actually read my dissertation. I always thought it would just remain that small black volume on a library shelf, except for the study guide version. Isn't this amazing that we would cross paths here?"

An unexpected encounter...and an unexpected blessing.

Time for a hug

Two and a half years is a long time to wait to hug my daughter. She got married in February, 2006 in Oregon and shortly thereafter returned to Thailand. She's doing what God desires of her, and is building her marriage with Jens. I'm happy for her. We've skyped and emailed, and that's taken edge off of missing her. But nothing can make up for a hug!

So Mary and I leave in two weeks to hug our daughter. Yes, it will be nice to see Jens, and I'll even give him a hug too. I feel like a kid who can't wait for Christmas....

On having long-term friends

This weekend we're hosting Brian and Jennie, in town to attend the wedding of the daughter of Jennie's friend Bev. Brian has been my best friend for thirty years. There is a lot of emotion in that sentence, although it probably isn't obvious. You see, I'd never had a long-term friend until Brian.

By the time I finished high school, I'd attended a dozen different schools and lived in 15 or 16 different houses, up and down the west coast. I'd never lived longer than two and a half years in any one place. As a result, I have no childhood friends. Many times I experienced the pain of moving without even a chance to say goodbye to the friends I had at the time.  Going through so many moves left me with a deep but hidden sense of insecurity. I coped by trying to perform well in school and seeking friends who wouldn't threaten my fragile sense of security. The paucity of that approach became more apparent to me in my twenties. I wasn't forming the kinds of relationships that ministered well to people.

I met Brian when I was thirty, within a year of moving back to Corvallis, where I've now lived for thirty-one years. These have been years of a deepening security in God, supported by the love of long-term friends and the stability of staying in one place. Authors such as Larry Crabb drew my attention to key issues in my life and directed me toward lasting and deep solutions. My friendship with Brian has also played a big part.

Brian and I raised our kids together. Our families ate dinner together monthly. He and I had lunch weekly to support our growth as men, husbands, fathers, and servants of God.  We served our church as home Bible study group leaders, leader trainers, personal counselors, and in many other ways. Brian has stood with me in my darkest times of personal failure. As couples we've shared anniversary celebrations, including a two-week tour of the UK. (We share identical wedding dates, to the hour.) After they moved away ten years ago, we've visited them in Vienna and now in the Las Vegas area. A couple of years ago Brian and I hiked the Grand Canyon. We stay in touch now through email and Skype video.

All these details don't really capture the feeling, though. Being able to sit down last night and play a card game, or chat this morning after breakfast, with the ease and bond that come with decades of shared life...I can't find a way to express my sense of satisfaction.

Thanks, Brian, for being my friend. I'm honored that you call me your best friend too.

Planning for the day...

I spent much of the afternoon today creating a spreadsheet of our personal financial assets. The effort is part of my plan to create a "In case of death grab this" notebook as suggested by our attorney. I'm also jotting thoughts about favorite Scriptures, hymns and worship songs, for possible use in a memorial service. Later, I might even try to assemble a photo collection and write a bio. I want to leave our kids with an easier task of it than my parents left us. (Mary's did a better job.)

All this planning might seem a bit morbid to some. I don't find it that way. The Bible teaches me to number my days. The reality is, we all die sooner or later. I've procrastinated preparing for death, and now I'm motivated to take action. I have friends who have died in recent years, and a couple more who are near death now. Our church's associate pastor is currently doing a sermon series on death. One of my board members, an attorney, did a workshop last week about final documents, and that prompted me to check my will (good thing...I found an error!). Besides all this, I've always been one to ask myself, "What's the next life transition you're facing?" and to prepare for it. For me, my next transition doesn't mean retirement in any complete sense, because I'm called to lifelong ministry. It may mean reshaping my ministry, to be sure. And so I'm doing some thinking about that. But one transition that I certainly face is death. I've already had heart surgery (and am doing just fine). And I do have travel plans this summer (although air travel is relatively safe). But taken together, recent events and upcoming plans have focused me on getting better prepared. 

I'm glad for the progress I made today. I even discovered that we have more assets than I thought!

My first post

Got the wild idea today to start a blog. We'll see where this goes. Kinda fun to try out the notion.

What have I been up to lately? 

In recent months I've been trying to learn how to lower my stress level. I had quadruple bypass surgery a year ago...a big surprise, given my relatively young age and good level of diet and fitness. I guess I have great genes for cholesterol production. Can't do much about that. And I'm male, also another risk factor. Of the five general risk factors for heart disease (gender, diet, exercise, genetics, and stress), the one I've needed to work on most is stress. So I sought out a good counselor/coach and have been learning some strategies. For example, I'm learning to let my staff know when I'm feeling stress rising inside so that they don't misread it as critical of them. (I tend to worry about stuff much more than I should.) I'm finding them wonderfully supportive. And I've learned that slowing down and deliberately doing less is good for me and those around me. I've discovered that I can face a situation and be able to say "Up until now I handled this stress this way. But I can choose to do it differently this time."

I'm encouraged by my progress. More later....